It’s a common question: should you be ignoring toddler tantrums, and if so, when? Show
If you’re currently parenting a toddler, you’ve probably weathered your fair share of the challenging emotional outbursts we refer to as “temper tantrums.” Tantrums can happen in line at the grocery store, on the way to daycare, at bedtime...really anywhere. But they’re more likely to happen if your child is frustrated, tired, or hungry. These situations can spark lots of questions, including “Should I be ignoring toddler tantrums, and if so, when? Parents often get conflicting (albeit well-meaning) advice about how to handle tantrums. Some people might tell you to just ignore the tantrum and walk away so that you’re not reinforcing problematic behavior with the “reward” of attention. If you’ve considered using this “strategy,” or even if you’ve tried it already, you might be interested to hear what child psychiatrists and psychologists advise. We asked three leading child mental health experts if you should ignore toddler temper tantrums, and if so, when.Here’s what they had to say: There’s a Difference Between “Ignoring” and “Not Intervening”Child mental health experts agree that there’s a big difference between truly ignoring and not directly intervening in a temper tantrum. Intervening actively during a tantrum would be directly talking to, holding, or otherwise attempting to soothe the child’s emotions or contain their behavior. But supervising without actively engaging is the preferred intervention in this case, because it ensures your child’s safety without positively reinforcing their behavior. “Parents [who aren’t directly intervening] are never actually ignoring a tantrum, because they always make sure the child is safe,” said Dr. Mary Margaret Gleason, Vice Chief of Mental Health at Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughter, and Little Otter Provider Advisor. “In this case, ‘ignoring’ a tantrum means that they avoid giving the child attention during the event.” “[When a child is having a tantrum] I recommend giving one clear direction about expectations, but never getting extensively verbally or emotionally engaged,” added Dr. Gleason. “Avoid begging, avoid arguing, and avoid trying to use logic to explain to your child why [the tantrum] is a bad idea.” “When ‘ignoring’ is intentional, specific, and directed, it is an intervention,” said Dr. David Hong, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University Medical Center and Little Otter Advisor. You can (and should) keep an eye on your child when emotions are running high so that you can monitor their behavior and ensure their safety. But you can do so without engaging with them directly. This approach of “ignoring” a temper tantrum can take many forms:
Redirecting can be especially powerful for younger kids because it helps the parent take the focus away from the inappropriate behavior and turn everyone's attention to something else. It also keeps you from falling into the trap of trying to reason with your child when they’re not in an emotional state to be able to understand or respond constructively. Redirections work best when the “ignoring” or selective attention is coupled with positive attention, praise, and reinforcement. For example, if your child is having a tantrum because they don’t want to leave the playground, you can redirect them by calmly reminding them that there’s a snack waiting for them at home. Instead of thinking about it like “ignoring a tantrum,” it may be helpful to reframe it as “giving your attention selectively,” advised Dr. Elizabeth Reichert, Director of the Pediatric Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Clinic at Stanford University School of Medicine and Little Otter Provider Advisor. Safety Always Comes FirstOf course, if a tantrum ever turns violent, or if there’s a risk of harm to the child, another person, or property, it’s critical to actively intervene. Examples of harmful behaviors that should prompt an active intervention include, but aren’t limited to:
It’s important to pay attention to violent, destructive and/or aggressive temper tantrums that are prolonged, happen frequently, and continue beyond the toddler years, because they could signal an underlying mental health concern. (Read more about tantrums and your child’s mental health here.) It’s Important to Reinforce Positive BehaviorJust as parents might not give attention to or ignore behaviors we tend to see during a tantrum (like whining, begging, crying, lying on the floor, grabbing toys, or using an outside voice), parents might consider giving attention to positive and prosocial behaviors, such as when a child remains calm in their body, language, and words, explained Dr. Reichert. “Ignoring or selective attention must be coupled with positive attention/praise/reinforcement,” Dr. Reichert said. “If a child is tantrumming and yet also trying to use their words to communicate they are upset, we can praise them for using their words and ignore everything else they are doing. Or, once the child begins to calm down, be ready to start praising and reinforcing their emotion regulation skills right away.” When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper TantrumsAs challenging as they may be, temper tantrums are common and to be expected as toddlers develop. Tantrums are likely to be considered “developmentally typical” by health professionals if they’re brief, don’t occur every day, aren’t unsafe, are clearly triggered by frustrating events, and tend to be worse when the child is tired or hungry. So how do you tell the difference between an intense but “typical” tantrum and when something more serious could be going on? Like most topics related to childhood development, there are no easy answers and every child and family is unique. Doctors recommend to take note of tantrums that:
As a parent or caregiver, you know your family best. So as you consider your child’s tantrums, think about the effect they have on your family. Even if your child’s tantrums don’t fall into the “atypical” category based on the bulleted factors above, they may still impair or otherwise negatively impact your child or family’s functioning. If that’s the case, it may be time to explore outside help from a mental health professional. The good news is that most of the time, as children get older, temper tantrums become less frequent and less intense. As children grow, they become more able to verbalize their feelings and self-regulate in times of frustration or discomfort. But in the meantime, you might be wondering how best to respond to your toddler’s tantrums or if they’re severe enough to perhaps warrant outside help. If you’re concerned about your child’s tantrums, consider taking a few moments to complete the free, online Little Otter Tantrum Assessment. While it’s not a replacement for a professional evaluation, this tool can help you better understand your child’s behavior and provide some guidance as to whether it might be time to seek additional support. Wondering whether to worry about your child’s temper tantrums? Start the free, three-question temper tantrum assessment and get guidance here. No matter what, remember that if you’re feeling frustrated by your child’s tantrums, you don’t have to face them alone! Our team is here to empower you as you navigate all ups and downs of the toddler years. If you have specific questions about your child’s tantrums, you can ask our team of child mental health professionals for free here. (Explore previously answered questions here.) How can caregivers help with temper tantrums?Before the tantrum builds, try to redirect your child.
Point out something interesting, and ask them what they think. Make a silly face. Or wrap them up in a big, warm hug. Sometimes, you can avoid a full-blown temper tantrum by redirecting your child's attention to something else.
When asked by the mother how she would handle her son's temper tantrums which of these is the best response of the nurse?The best way for a parent to handle a temper tantrum by a toddler is to calmly express disapproval and then ignore it. The nurse is promoting language and cognitive development to the parents of a 3-year-old boy.
Which is the best way for parents to aid a toddler in achieving the developmental task quizlet?The best way for parents to aid a toddler in achieving his developmental task would be to: allow him to make simple decisions. The way you would advise a toddler's mother to handle temper tantrums would be to: appear to ignore them.
Should I restrain my toddler during a tantrum?A hands-off approach is best unless you must restrain your child to prevent them from hurting themselves. One of the best ways to deal with tantrums is to head them off before they start. Look for triggers or patterns, and think of ways to intervene before your kid has a meltdown.
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